I realize that it’s been a while since I’ve last written in here.  If anything, silence seems to be more befitting than what I’m about to spew out right now.  But please, bear with me here.  It’s been ages since I’ve last written– like this.

Does God even exist?

I believe he does.  Or at least, it’s what I’ve started to believe due to the numerous people that I’ve been keeping in touch with in my life.

Does Love exist?

This I don’t have an answer to.  Love left me many eons ago.  I have nothing left to say.

What about Karma?

One word– or maybe two: Hell yeah.

Why are you writing like this?

‘Cause I forgot how to write. 

I realized that I sound a lot more pessimistic than I really (cough) am.  My writing seems to bring out an alter-persona in which I hate everything in this world- living and dead.

Which I really don’t.

I just hate everything, period.

No, but all jokes aside, I really don’t understand why I’m like this.

Whenever people ask me for my script ideas and what not, I always hesitate.  One, I hesitate because I don’t wanna go running around and sharing my ideas.  And two, I’m scared of what they’ll think of me.

Whenever I take the chance to tell someone my glorious ideas, the reactions are usually the same.

They just don’t understand.

One guy even asked me why I’m such a devil child.

 

And I really don’t know why.

I wanna write happy lovey-dovey stories too.

It’s just hard, I tell you.  Hard.

 

Okay, I paused for a second while I texted someone Happy Birthday.

 

And now I lost my train of thought.

 

And now I’m tired.

 

 

And now the cycle begins once again.
Ah well, at least I wrote something… right?

The Tinker

The earth was already shaking by the time Naomi settled herself on top of a struggling nest. It was all but a bit too small for her, but she managed to snuggle next to the remaining eggs anyways and wait until everything fell back into its usual state. The sun was no longer a bright and cheerful tangerine, but rather, a historic, blazing purple which fell upon the shadows like nightfall. She nodded her head a few times, noticing this drastic change, and decided that all would be fixed by the time she woke up again. She was quite tired, you see, and knew that there was nothing much she could do until she regained her energy back. Her tinker-wings were folded back into their place, and although there was a slight rip on her left, she didn’t mind. It would be fixed by daybreak, she insisted. Or else she wouldn’t know what else to do. A couple of hours were too much of a rest, and she knew she was risking a lot by disappearing but didn’t know what else to do. She needed time to regain her strength, and when she saw this immediate opening, she knew that it was then and there that she needed to make her decision and leave.

And so she left.
Past the mirrors, across the galaxies, up and over the particles and into the warm embrace of twigs and leaves. Oh, and the fellow eggs of course.

The startled branches were forced to comply with the earth’s movement, and the birds all took towards the skies. The mother of the eggs, however, abandoned her babies in order to save herself. What a coward, Naomi grunted. These poor eggs have no chance against the evil intentions of nature and yet, the mother still deemed it appropriate to leave. I need to do something about this, she thought, and decided to hunt down the mamma bird before she returned to her original state.

From the distance, sopranos and altos alike were humming like bees. They were crying for help. Yet she knew none would be given to them. It was too late. The decision was already made and she had to see to it that it be accomplished. Or else…

And so, she rested her eyes, letting the dreams take her back into her reality—the reality where she was human again, in love with a man far too great for her standards.

She saw herself walking on seashells and banana peels hand in hand with her other, as they crossed the highway of running cars. They almost cracked their feet with loose hammers and nails but managed to help each other get across the iced ocean. The sunset was blue; the clouds red. It was another world—one more precious than the last.

When she woke up again, it was winter. The eggs were gone and the earth had long since remained still. She found herself covered in snow, and she could barely feel her feet. She had almost let death’s grasp comfort her into his embrace again. Thankfully though, a small group of ants started chewing on her thighs which prompted her senses to immediately perk up.

It hurt, a lot.

By this time, there was nothing left on earth except for a couple of insects and ghosts. She had lost her chance, and so, failed to save those dearest to her. She didn’t mean to fall into slumber, but had failed to set her internal clock to only a couple of hours. But truth to her holy heavens, she didn’t mean to sleep for so long. She was both startled and afraid. Did anyone notice her absence at all?

However, she knew that she was no one’s keeper. No one missed her, and if anything, she was already considered dead. In fact, she was already deceased… or at least she thought so anyways.

The skies crumbled and the clouds resembled bits and pieces of eraser bites. The world was not what it seemed; the world was not the same. It was broken, it was dirty. It was irreplaceable. Naomi didn’t mind. She wouldn’t miss it anyways. It was too much of a good thing to be wasted on unappreciative human beings. They would have to live and learn, she thought. But it was too late for that. They were already gone.

She slowly flapped her wings open and gave her arms and legs a nice, long stretch before dusting the snowflakes off and flying down. There were hardly any trees left, or anything at all for that matter. It was just the snow and her, head on. So she flew, and flew, and flew until her wings couldn’t handle it anymore. She was hungry from her nap but couldn’t find anything to eat.

She was in quite a pickle.

The only thing that was left on the earth was the shameful tree on which she rested on. And even that was just barely standing. She was stuck. She was alone. She didn’t know what to do.

So, she did what she did best.

She just kept flying.

She flew and flew and flew until her wings couldn’t handle it anymore. She flew until her shoes fell off her pretty little feet. She flew until her wings were just barely there.

And yet, she still flew.

Until the night turned into rain, and the rain into sunshine, and the sunshine into thunderstorms.

She just kept flying.

And flying.
And flying.

Bull

Ven walked up next to her and wrapped his arms around her. It was just like before, when everything was calm and peaceful. It used to always be like this, just the two of them, embraced in each other’s arms. It took a while to get there but it was worth it. Love was always worth it, until the fingertips brushed it away.

“I always thought you were crazy,” he remarked, brushing the hair off her face. “It was like I said before, girls are crazy but guys are assholes.”

She scoffed. “Oh, you must be delirious, child. You were always the asshole, but I—I was never one to be crazy.”

The two of them remained embraced in each other’s arms, enjoying the gazes of those surrounding them. Their love was one to be cherished, and they both understood the significance of each other’s actions. It was, after all, their last night together.

Ven rested his chin on top of her head and let his arms dangle fondly around her waist. They were finally reunited after all these years. It was almost surreal how it had all happened.

Two years had gone by before they finally were able to talk again. It was as if nothing had happened. Just a simple hello had broken the spell that the two of them created together.

“You know, I always liked the way your hair smelled like the remnants of my cologne,” he whispered, “Or whenever you bit the side of yours lips whenever you were nervous or angry…”

“Ven,” she smiled. “Stop acting like you know so much about me. It’s been two years now. My hair doesn’t smell like your cologne, and really, I stopped biting my lip ever since you made fun of me. I’m different now. It’s been two years… It’s really been two years…I just wish you’d remember that.”

“But it doesn’t feel like two years, does it?”

“It does. To you, it might not, but to me, it does.”

She sighed and pulled away from his body. “Ven, it’s really been two years. Stop acting like it was yesterday. We haven’t talked in two years and really, I’m different now and I know you’re different now too. Things aren’t the same anymore. I’m not who I used to be… I’m not going to get hurt anymore.”

Standing across from her, Ven reached down into his pockets and took out his Marlboro reds. Instinctively, he took two out, placed it on the tip of his lips, and lit both of them at the same time. Similar to a peace offering, he smiled sheepishly and handed it to her.

“Did that change at all?” He asked. “I know you used to love it when I lit your cigarettes with mine. You told me I looked manly whenever I did that.”

She puffed the cigarette, letting the remnants of the smoke blow out from her lips. “Well, that’s one thing that didn’t change… I still like it when you do that. It looks sexy.”

Smiling, she reached over and kissed his cheek. “Aww shucks, I guess there’s nothing that can be done now but try to piece the puzzles back together again. I really did miss you though, I really did.”

“I missed you too, Shelly. I thought about you almost every night.”

“Bull…”

“No, really. I did. Now seriously, I would just lay on my bed, just thinking about you and the soft curves of your body… and the way you used to giggle whenever I brushed my fingertips over your—”

“Oh stop. Really. Don’t bring that up…”

“But I’m not kidding, Shelly. I really did think about you.”

Shelly cocked her head to the side. “Did you really?”

Ven’s eyes sparkled in response, “Well, I did… whenever I didn’t have another girl in bed with me.”

“Oh bull.” Shelly cried out, smacking him on the arm. “You really need to stop with that subject. Do you really want to fight again? After all this time, you’re just hankerin’ for another fight aren’t ya.”

“Ahhh shucks, Shelly. I’m just kidding. Believe me when I say it though. I only thought about you—you’re the only gal for me.”

“Then stop.”

“I will, I will. You can’t even take a joke, can ya?”

“Not after two years I can’t.”

They laughed and giggled, letting the alcohol ooze all over their insides.

It was nearly midnight when the two of them decided to go to a nearby hotel to spend their last hours together. They felt that it was the only way to conclude their night, and thus, began to make sweet love under the glaring moonlight.

Shelly assumed it was the least that she could do for him. After all, it was his last night on Earth. She figured she might as well make it memorable for him—for old time’s sake.

FreeWrite: FAIL

Freewriting Exercise #2:

“I was so sleepy, I’m like, oh my god, my face was all like gross and I was so sleepy, and the whole time they were like, so me-ean. Traumatizing.”

There are two girls sitting at the edge of the café, sipping on bouts of milk tea and tapioca balls. They’re both incredibly loud in comparison to the other occupants in the surrounding area. To reiterate on their loudness, they’re being so incredibly loud and obnoxious that they’re hindering, or rather, bothering the young girl sitting next to them—the girl namely being me.

“Cause I think she introduced him, saying, yeah.”

“Ooh, I would do it.”

“I went to her class one time after school and talked to her about it, and oh yeah. That happened. She’s pretty happy.”

They talk in increments of five, pausing ever so often to shuffle their books around and chomp on their overly processed boba balls.
Thank you young ladies, for hindering me from writing my damn freewrite.

The end.

The Platypus

Freewrite #1: THE PLATYPUS

As Clara was taking a stroll by the park, she was greeted by an abnormally large platypus waddling among the dandelions and freesias. Startled, she stopped to stare, blinking her eyes twice more than usual in order to clear the sight from her gaze.

“Oh my, oh me, what do I see? How could there be such an extinct entity in front of me?”

She moved on right and she moved on left—tiptoeing across all the buzzing bumble bees.

The platypus waddled among a patch of healthy green grass before settling itself on top of an accompanying haystack. To this, curious little Clara scratched her head in disbelief. She couldn’t believe her eyes and decided that nothing better could be done than to sit down next to the friendly little chap and keep it some company.

Upon making this rather instantaneous decision, she decided to be his friend and began to associate the poor little platypus as a “he” rather than an “it,”  as Clara had always had soft spot for animals in need.

‘He looks lonely,’ she thought, gazing into his eyes. ‘And he looks ever so uncomfortable on that horrible yellow haystack.’

The platypus had unknowingly transformed into a majestic beast in her eyes, and she couldn’t help but be engrossed in his rather plump figure. Although he was a bit on the heavier side, she believed that the extra padding of fat suited him quite nicely.

‘He looks sturdy and nice,’ she agreed, nodding her head in response to her own thoughts. ‘Much nicer in comparison to the other nasty fellows I’ve met before…’

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and it was quite a wonderful time for the two who were basking in the sunlight. She was glowing, he was glowing, and the bee’s were so delighted that they were even singing! Clara was so utterly happy that they were all happy and let out a nice long sigh of contentment.

‘Such a wonderful day,’ she thought. ‘Such a beautiful day…’

However, as Mr. Clock began to tick rather than tock, it was barely three when the platypus decided that he had had enough of the sun. He opened his eyes and wiggled his butt, jumping up and exercising in the most astonishing way.

‘His butt must’ve fallen asleep,’ she mused, fixating her eyes on his, ‘as he is quite an enormous fellow…’

But, the platypus paid no attention to her shining eyes. He stretched from head to toe and rolled around the healthy green grass. He was having the time of his life, ignoring Clara all the more when she approached him a bit closer.

“Oh you cute little thing, you.” She whispered softly, clearly distraught over being ignored. “We’re friends now, don’t you see? I saw you and stayed for you. Surely you must’ve been happy… But, since that is so, shouldn’t you think about playing with me?”

In response, the platypus grunted and turned away from her probing glances, hurrying over to the other side.

“Oh you mean ol’ platypus you. How could you when I thought so highly of you!” Tears began to drop out of her green-gray-blue eyes as she fumbled and mumbled after the horribly, hairy platypus.

The sky turned magenta and the bees formed into groups as they readied their rear ends for action.

The platypus paid no heed to her cries, the buzzing bees, or even the crying skies as he promptly darted across the parkway.

He sped across the meadows, past his yellow, patchy haystack and past the dandelions and freesias.

Young little Clara tried to chase after him, but stopped once she realized that she had lost a shoe…

Gruesome Advice

From my many timely years of experience, I’ve realized the many unfortunate side effects of certain wishful (or rather, negative) thinking. For instance, there has been numerous amounts of times where I both saw and laughed at a certain gigantic pimple on a certain somebody’s face and realize, the next day, that I got the same exact one on the same damn exact spot.

And I’m not even kidding here.

I’m sitting at a very popular cafe in the midst of my own misery. Ha, no lie.
This always seems to happen to me though, weirdly enough.

My sister came over yesterday with an unsightly pimple near her bottom left lip and like always, I laughed and made fun of her… Only to realize today, that somehow someway, two NEW white spots appeared near my bottom left lip. Oh hoora, hooray. This always happens to me.

Whenever my sister gets a brand new spankin’ kiss from the gods on her face, I seem to always fall into the inevitable pattern of looking, laughing, then wallowing in my own karmatic misery. Strange, isn’t it? How it all goes full circle.

It’s been a while since I’ve written in here and I figured I might as well drop by tonight in order to give you, my dear readers, this wonderful piece of advice.

The next time you decide to make fun of someone’s misfortunes, stop and think.
It might happen to you someday too.

The Law of Attraction

It is commonly said that we attract the things that we typically think or feel.
If we think negatively, then respectively, we receive negative energy. If we think “positively”, then good things will “naturally” be bestowed upon us.

Truthfully, I never believed in this whole shabam, or rather, this whole ‘belief’ that “like attracts like,” and that we’re the ones in charge of our own spiritual energies. I mean, come on, do you really think that I would believe in this whole ideology in the first place? Realistically, I’m the girl who dedicated an entire blog to Mr.Karma and his demonic ways in my life. Do you really think that I would turn around from my rampage and be like, “OH! So, I guess this ENTIRE time, I BROUGHT THIS UPON MYSELF! WHOOPEEDODADAY!”

No, of course not.

But, I DO have to admit though. This “law of attraction,” might have some truth to it after all.

My friend, whom I shall call Mr.M, is a recent believer of this “theory” and started to “spread the good news” to his friends in need, aka, me.

Okay, I have to admit that I’m not the most optimistic from the bunch, but I never really thought of myself as a pessimist until he bluntly pointed it out to me.

Here is a snippet of our conversation via text messaging.
(FYI, I was complaining to him (like always) about my lack of success in finding jobs and such and such.)

MB: Do you believe in the law of attraction?

ME: Yeah. Why?

MB: Listen to what you’re saying and that’s what you attract.

ME: Korean entertainment?

MB: No you keep saying it’s hard or that you’re not going to do well… And that’s what you attract.

Me: T.T ouchhh. Would you like to change my outlook as well, dear ol’ friend.

MB: Yes my love. You’re too hard on yourself and by doing that I believe you’re attracting all the negative and you don’t deserve that. Believe in yourself love!

So, after this conversation, I went into a period of reflection (or, in other words, a period of depression). I’ve been pretty down lately and I’m really sick and tired of it. I hate moping around and feeling sorry for myself. AND SERIOUSLY, I HATE how it’s human nature to do this. As an INFP, I tend to focus all the blame onto myself. Because of this, I never give myself enough credit. Which is why, might I add, I tend to do a lot of self-blaming, self-hating, and thus, bring a lot of negativity ONTO myself.

WHICH IS A NO-NO.

Obviously, who wouldn’t want to attract positive energy? I wanna get in on this “life changing” law and bring some positive energies into my life. I’m sick and tired of crawling around Karma’s hit list and I just really want to change my life.

I want to be more positive.
I want to be more positive.

“I will be more positive.”

So, as of today, I think I’m going to try to change my outlook on life.
I don’t know how long it’ll last but I’m willing to take a stance and move on.
I’m going to stop being so pessimistic and start thinking more positively.

Instead of my usual rants, I’m going to try to curve ball it.
Here, I’m going to practice a little before taking this out to the big league.

1. I can’t find a job. I’m so useless. I need a job but I know I won’t find anything.

Now, let’s sprinkle some positivity onto it and VOILA. You go from TERRIBLY PESSIMISTIC to

1. I’m GOING to find a job! I can do it! I will find a job and I will do my best in it!

Yes, yes thatta girl. YOUUUUU CAN DO IT!

Now, here’s another shot at it.

2. I’m so fat and ugly. I can’t find true love cause everyone hates me and my life sucks. This ALWAYS happens to me.

Once again, let’s just spray some of that positive love onto it and…. VOILA.

2. I’m BEAUTIFUL. I’m GOING to find true love cause I DESERVE it. Life is hard, but, I CAN DO IT. RAWWWR!!!!

Okay, I’m being sarcastic now.
I don’t mean to bring out my sassy side but, chyea.

I CAN DO IT.

Ha. Now, folks.

Can you?

How do you kill your bugs?

We all have our own methods when it comes to killing bugs. Majority of the people that I know are fine with just grabbing a tissue and squashing the living Jesus out of it.

I, on the other hand, can’t do that.
Realistically, I don’t even want to go anywhere near those creatures so why would I try to kill it with my own bare hands? No way. Nuh uh. Leave me alone.

During the past 21+1 years of my life I perfected a fairly common method in order to rid myself of these damnations.

What is it that I exactly do?

Well, I basically throw whatever I have around me on it and patiently wait for someone else to clean it.

For example, there was a huge, black spider with a strangely colored rear end chilling on my floor about five minutes ago and the minute I saw it, I froze.
Then when it started to make it’s way under my bed, I freaked.

Of course I couldn’t let it run away so I found a random paper fan and tossed it on top of him.

Nothing happened so I proceeded to cautiously move the fan around when the damn f-cker crawled it’s way back into the light. This, of course, I couldn’t let happen again so I threw the fan back on it and placed a random box on top of it… In which I therefore proceeded to step on the box and smoosh it around.

And then my dad, God bless him, came in while attending to his fatherly (bathroom) duties and cleaned it up for me.
I am now snuggled in my bed safe and sound from the bad monsters around me.

I think I learned this bad habit from my sister who used to leave me greetings of flattened spiders and beetles under thick magazines in the bathroom.

Oh, the memories… The memories…

Fiction.

Sincerity held on tightly to the last few strands of Hope that were left.

“Don’t go,” it cried out. “You know I still need you.”

But, Hope knew that there would be no salvation for this sin-driven world. So within minutes,

Hope left.

Sincerity weeped.

And Silence moved on.

The World

I just finished reading ‘The Five People You Meet in Heaven,’ by Mitch Albom and have been struck by both fear and hope (maybe a bit more curiosity than hope, in my case.) I have to admit that it was a great book even though I had a hard time following his writing. I’m a fickler when it comes to writing and have an especially hard time if I don’t particularly like an authors style of writing. In this case, I felt like the plot was so exceptionally great that if the writing had a bit more oomph to it then it could’ve been even better but, sigh, that’s only my opinion. I have always liked the concept of heaven and even though I’m supposed to be a “devout” catholic, I do have to admit that I’ve been faltering these past couple years.

Heaven. Wow. Just saying that word scares me, like I’m sure it scares other people. I’m supposed to believe in it but it’s so hard when at times like these I can’t help but feel that it’s just an escape from reality. But, what is reality? Who made it? And why?

I’m scared of dying, as I’m sure thousands others are as well. I’m scares of the unknown. And most of all, I’m scared of how death will impact me in the future.

I don’t want to bear with death and I don’t want to face hardships. Childish and impossible, I know, but a girl can pray… Right?

It’s so hard to remember the smaller details of life that we all seem to take for granted. We should be happy with what we have and enjoy life as it comes. But, it’s so impossibly hard to do this even while knowing we should. Why?
My thoughts exactly.

Maybe it’s cause we’re human and maybe this is just how we’re programmed. Life has it’s ups and downs and believe me when I say that I had my handful. From being a victim in two major life threatening car accidents to the miseries that I’m facing this day– I know we all have and are still going through some shitty ass problems. It’s hard to remember life’s simple pleasures when we’re so caught up in our own drama.

But, it doesn’t hurt to try… Yes? It really doesn’t hurt to try.

Rather than worrying about the future and bogging myself down with all my problems and regrets, I just want to take it one day at a time. To work on myself. To work on my family. And to work on and with my God.

I believe there is something greater after life. I believe and have believed and it is with my belief that I am still here today. I’m going to change for the better and open myself up to the love of God.

That is to say… This will be a promise from my tired and sleepy self to my soon to be freshly awakened self.

I want to stop all the fighting and the hating and all the pent up frustration that has been trailing behind my back for months.

I don’t want to regret anymore or hurt and give hurt anymore either. This will start right here and right now with my mom, who has done her best for me.

I’m sorry for disappointing you and I’m going to be someone that you can lean on and be proud of.

I don’t want to lose you and end up becoming someone who didn’t know what they had till they lost it. I love you and I will do my best for you. I may falter at times but please stay with me and love me like you have for the past twenty two years of my life. I’m sorry. I love you. And thank you.

I just think it’s so funny that a book triggered this entire emotional post from me. Go read it. It’s inspiring and will help you open your eyes.

I don’t want you to live your life regretting as well…

Goodnight.